I now turn to the second stage of awakening, once-returning. First, one point must be clear. My account of the second, third, and fourth stages of the four fruits is based on my own experience. It should not be taken to mean that everyone who awakens must follow exactly the same sequence.
Other scriptures and traditions describe the process differently, speaking of fetters being cut or the fires of greed, anger, and delusion going out. I explain what I know in the way I experienced it. A different description should not simply be rejected, nor should my route alone be declared correct. This information is offered so that people who reach a similar stage can move forward without confusion. I had no such information and passed through a deeply confusing and painful period.
A once-returner goes to the desire realm and returns once
I previously said that movement from stream-entry to once-returning requires the paired cultivation of wisdom and concentration, tranquility and insight. What kind of state is reached through them? Begin with the name. “Once-returning” means going and coming one time.
Where does one go? After awakening, a stream-enterer knows liberation of mind and lives free of the desire realm, then gradually falls back and later emerges again. This rising and falling can repeat. At a later stage, however, the person falls into the desire realm only once and comes back. Hence once-returning.
The following stage, non-returning, means no return at all: one no longer falls into the desire realm. Once-returning therefore stands between stream-entry and non-returning. It is almost a reservation for the next stage. What makes this person fall only once when a stream-enterer may rise and fall repeatedly?
Understanding not-self intellectually differs from embodying it
In my experience, the center is the embodiment of not-self. Not-self can be understood with the head. Following science, philosophy, reason, and logic, one can agree that a fixed self does not exist. Yet logical agreement differs from embodiment.
When not-self is embodied, a fire goes out—the fire of ego. This is not merely agreement with an explanation. It is entry into a mental condition in which grasping at self, desire, and concepts actually subsides. Before and after are so different that one cannot avoid recognizing that something has been embodied.
When the fire of ego goes out, extreme stillness arrives
We spend life surrounded by thought: what we want, what we must do, appetite, ambition, and emotion continually occupy the mind. In the mental state that embodies not-self, everything that has held the self is released, even if initially only for a time.
This differs from the first awakening of stream-entry. In my terminology, it is entry into the fourth concentration. When not-self is embodied and the fires of desire, ego, and conception go out, extraordinary quiet appears. The mind resembles a lake without a single wave, clear and unmoving. One directly experiences equanimity, immovability, and a mind that does not become excited.
Someone who undergoes it knows bodily that something profound has occurred. Yet at the time I did not know its name. I had once heard the term “nirvana is peace” while at university in 1994, but had never considered it deeply and had almost forgotten it. The speaker did not explain from experience, and I did not know what to listen for, so the words could not enter me.
Knowing the state in advance can reduce confusion
This is why you should remember the phrase “extremely quiet.” Does reaching it make one a Buddha or an arahant? In my experience, no. I fell once from it into the desire realm and only later understood that this had been once-returning.
I had not studied Buddhism adequately. I knew nothing about the fourth concentration, the four stages of awakening, or nirvanic peace. My mind had become astonishingly quiet, yet I could not identify the condition. I went from person to person looking for someone who could explain it and suffered through the search. Those episodes can be told another time.
Embodying not-self is not yet complete awakening
One can embody not-self and still fall. Does that mean the embodiment was false? No. The meditative condition was real, but experiencing samadhi does not itself mean complete awakening. A single embodiment of not-self does not end every question.
Human beings are questioning animals. Buddhism is a life lived with questions: Who am I? How should I live? What is death? A Buddhist carries questions of life, death, and awakening. Even after reaching this remarkable stage, I wondered what it was, whether it was the end, and what lay beyond it. It felt as though I had grasped something enormous, but ignorance allowed doubt to enter.
The needs of a living animal and the habits of a lifetime create waves
Another cause is the human body. A living human is an animal equipped with basic drives for survival and reproduction. Biological appetite remains, as do habits accumulated through an entire life. A fact fully understood no longer causes the same suffering, but forces not yet understood or resolved continue to act.
For about three months I remained exceptionally clean and quiet. At first, even eating and sleeping carried a clarity that felt like sleeping with open eyes. Yet I was still an animal and a human. Inborn drives and accumulated patterns began sending small waves through the mind.
For me, the largest factor was doubt about my own condition; the second was sexual desire. I was also a person in society. I had a wife, son, and parents and had to make a living. At the time I made YouTube videos about computers and invested in stocks to earn money. The forces of ordinary life gradually affected the mind.
Because I returned once, it was once-returning
After roughly three months, I fell back into the desire realm. I had never imagined that this could happen. Not knowing my mental state was frustrating; because the condition was so peaceful and good, I also wondered whether it was final. I failed to find anyone who could explain it, while doubt, biological desire, and the inertia of daily life combined and drew me aside.
After returning to the desire realm, I wandered in darkness for nearly a year. The fall felt especially stark because it followed such stillness. Yet this single return is precisely the meaning of once-returning.
The stillness of the once-returner was not false. The embodiment of not-self, the fourth concentration, and nirvanic peace were genuine. They simply did not end every question or human tendency. The next stage will explain why the fall occurred and how one rises into non-returning.
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